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Nintendo Embraces Casual Extremism

Posted by Tom Terranova

This year, Nintendo finally seemed to address core-audience complaints about the Wii's casual-heavy software library. The company's announcement of Super Mario Galaxy 2, Metroid: Other M, and Zelda 2 seemed to demonstrate a renewed focus on high-quality, core gaming experiences. But just as core-fans were cautiously heralding a new "golden age" of first-party software development, Nintendo announced surprise changes to the previously announced Q3/Q4 release schedule. These changes left core gaming fans dumbfounded.

According to industry analysts, Nintendo's revised Q3/Q4 line-up indicates a dramatic philosophical shift that has come from the Kyoto-based company's highest levels. Even the most notorious third-party developers of "shovelware" are now referring to Nintendo's new strategy as "Blue Ocean Fundamentalism" and "Casual Gaming Extremism." Here's what we know so far about Nintendo's revised Q3/Q4 lineup for Wii and DS.

Berny Madoff's Ponzi Dreams

Berny Madoff's Ponzi Dreams
A new "financial puzzler" for Nintendo's under-explored fifty-something crowd.
[Note: All proceeds will be invested in a relief fund for Madoff's victims that promises a guaranteed quarterly return of 18%.]

Mariokart Wii 2: Hoveround Rally

Mariokart Wii 2: Hoverround Rally
Even core titles can appeal to non-gamers when given the right spin – just as long as that spin goes no faster than 3 mph. As a special bonus, gamers with Medicare coverage may not have to pay a penny for this game – and Nintendo can even pre-authorize you over the phone.

Heiyankyo (Illegal) Alien

Wii and DS
Heiyankyo (Illegal) Alien / Mario Tea Party
A new twist on the classic Gameboy puzzler, re-designed to appeal to angry, uninformed white trash. This is a 2-for-1 value title that also includes the multi-thousand-selling hit Mario Tea Party.

Menopauser 3: The Legend of Merle
Learn to use the new Hot Flash mode to your advantage as you explore the best years of your life. Collect hormone pills to regain health, experiment with shabby chic, customize your character with plastic surgery, and face down urban cougars as you search for seven legendary self-help books that contain The Secret.

Custody Battler Extreme
Use your own children as weapons in this innovative hybrid of courtroom drama and first-person shooting action.

Touch Generations: Advanced Directive
Prepare your own living will as you uncover the secret motivations of relatives and friends using short, pick-up-and-play surveys. You can also catalog and bequeath all of your worldly possessions – and best of all, explained Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime, "It's a cool rhythm game featuring the music of Rihanna." Will they resuscitate you? When should they pull the plug? With Touch Generations: Advanced Directive, you're in charge.

Castlevania: Staircase of Broken Hips
In this updated remake of the updated remake, the castle's countless staircases have all been retro-fitted with fully automatic chair lifts, allowing you to maintain your independence throughout countless sequels. Other enhancements include wheelchair ramps on all ledges, senior discounts at all shops, clapper-controlled lights and machine-devices, and the new "Handy Grabber" tool for out of reach power-ups.

Wii Accessories
The Lack of Vitality Sensor
Chart your senescence over time as you remain motionless in order to earn cholesterol points that can then be used to outfit your avatar with cool accessories. Unlock a variety of locations such as bed, recliner, couch, grave, and urn.